On the basis of that article on the increase in white women dating and blogging about Korean men, I’d like to discuss for a bit the issue of why there are so many more white male-Korean female than white female-Korean male couples. I want to start by saying that I do not want to discuss it in terms of statistics and figures. There are blogs and academic materials out there with solid scientific analysis on this issue. I also want to stay away from Western media portrayals of Asian men, in part because I do not think that these portrayals were especially influential in terms of my understanding of Korean men pre-Korea, and in part because when I talk to white Western women about Korean men, they point to a bunch of other factors as far more important than media portrayals for the issues they have in beginning and/or maintaining relationships. Rather, I want to talk about my experiences and the anecdotes of the many interracial relationships I have seen to glean an understanding of this phenomenon. That is after all the purpose and focus of this blog.
I want to start by noting that relationships are rarely formed on the basis of ‘love’ alone. There are various forces – cultural, religious, economic, ethnic, linguistic, class influences, etc. which encourage or discourage relationships or make them possible or impossible. That mystery which we call ‘love’ can rise above the discouragement or seeming impossibility, and individual circumstances can be such that a particular person or couple does not fit into the mainstream narrative, but as a whole these forces do influence our choices in life and especially our choice of a marriage partner. Therefore, in the first three installments I want to talk about the general forces in Korea which affect white female-Korean male couples in different ways from white male-Korean female partnerships, and in the fourth I will discuss how our own story converges and diverges with these factors. Finally, I will only talk about how this phenomenon affects white Western women because Western women of different races and white women from countries like Russia and the former Soviet states have other issues and hurdles they have to overcome which I have no direct personal experience with.
Life Stage
Imagine if you will Ms. Jones, a 22 year old Canadian woman from Anytown, Canada. She, like many in her generation, left her mid-sized town or city to attend a university in another city both because the commute had she lived at home would have been insane – especially in the winter months – and because of a cultural expectation that post-high school Canadian adults should gain some independence by living away from their parents. By the time she arrives in Korea, Ms. Jones has a 4 year degree, at least 4 years of experience living away from home (cooking, cleaning, budgeting, making decisions for herself), and many summers making her own money working in offices, lifeguarding, and/or waitressing. When she arrives in Seoul, she wants to meet other people – including Koreans around her own age – and perhaps she is even interested in dating one or a few. So what does your average 22 year old Korean male look like?
Well…he’s probably in military service, or fresh out, living with his parents, and years away from both graduating from university and being gainfully employed. I read somewhere that Koreans take on average 7 years to complete university. I wish I had the source of that information, but generally, Koreans take much longer to finish a four year degree than Canadians. Yes, there are the Canadian victory lapers, but in Korea, men have an additional 2 years of compulsorily military service which is usually taken somewhere in the middle of their university career. After that, they often take an additional year off to travel, readjust to civilian life, and/or prepare to reenter university after two years being completely separate from their previous studies. When I worked at an adult hagwon, it was not uncommon to have several 20-something male students in my day time classes who had just finished their military service and were looking both for ways to socialize again and ways to quickly improve their English so they could return to university. Thus, it is not only common but necessary for most Korean males to take much longer than four years to complete their degree. After that of course, they are still not usually prepared to enter the working world. Even low level desk jobs at Korean companies only selling products to Koreans often require TOEIC or TOFEL scores to secure a job, so graduates will often take another several months or even a year or two to prepare for these tests or the very difficult civil service exam. Some even take additional classes to get computer ability certification etc. Therefore, being work-ready at the age of 22 is impossible for the vast majority of Korean men.
In addition to this difference in life stages, Koreans usually live at home until marriage. James Turnbull has written a few good posts looking at the reasons behind this which you might want to read before going any further on this post. But anyway, the point I want to make is that there are merits and demerits to living away from your parents before marriage, and I’m not going to make any judgments on either of those options here. However, there is a big difference in life stages between a person living away from home – especially in a foreign country, and a person who is living with their parents and having all of their domestic needs met. And I don’t even think I have to mention the domestic ramifications of Korean men with little or no background in household chores moving in with white Western women with some notions of domestic equality who have lived by themselves for years.
Having your own place and those kinds of responsibility change you, as does having a resume full of experience and a full time post-university job. A woman who has been making her own money for a long time is going to be at a different life stage than a man who is culturally limited from holding such employment and thus receives a regular allowance from his parents. This does not of course mean that early 20-something white Western women and early 20-something Korean men don’t date, but perhaps any plans at a long term relationship…or especially marriage, are often derailed because of these life stages, especially when in both cultures there is still somewhat of an expectation that men should be (at the very very very least) equal economic providers for their families. And in Korea where it takes quite some time (unless your parents are wealthy and wish to give you a large gift), to build up enough money for chonse (the key money deposit), marriage requires a great deal of planning and saving. Thus, there is a very practical reason why it’s harder for a white Western woman to find a Korean man who is 22, 23, 24, 25…sometimes even 26 or 27 who is at a life stage comparable to the place where she is. Meanwhile, a Korean woman who does not have military service – even if she takes a year or two off to study/travel etc. (which is common), will still usually spend less time in the ‘student’ stage than her male counterparts. Coupled with the fact that women are given less responsibility and expectations for providing for the family than men in Korea, in terms of this dating/marriage factor, it is easier for white Western men to find a Korean female partner than the other way around.
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Hello Mrs Lee,
Just wanted to say thank you and congratulations. As a Korean male with white british long term gf living in Britain I find your blog quite fascinating, despite it being mainly about weddings !
Really appreciate this blog.
Gam sa hap ni da
Thanks for your comment (although I’m still a Ms….didn’t change my name^^). I know it’s been a lot about weddings recently, I guess because that’s what has been happening in my life (and also because there’s not as much info out there about traditional weddings in Korea – especially as a white Western bride, or resources for getting married for expat brides – so I’m trying to fill that void). But after I’m finished with a few more recaps and a few posts from our upcoming Canadian ceremony, I promise to stop wedding blogging…I’m getting sick of it myself!
[…] On Becoming a Good Korean (Feminist) Wife Just another WordPress.com weblog « On Obstacles to White Western Female-Korean Male Long-Term Relationships Part 1 […]
[…] and maintenance of long-term relationships between white Western women and Korean men. (1 2 3). Again, let me stress that these are but factors in relationships. There are individual […]
Thank you for this insight. Lets hope there are enough women (and men) out there who are willing to be with someone who is not the exact copy of themselves if that person makes them happy.
I find the different circumstances of mine and my Korean boyfriend’s life up to the point we met interesting and charming.
Too much porn brainwashing people… in the thinking white males have bigger penises, sounds silly but true, second self hating asian females think their social status will go up by dating white, second hollywood and pornwood putting asian males in the category of non attractive and less masculine.
yeah. really not what this post is about.
I have dated a Korean born male- who was then living in Canada with family. He was a Korean/Canadian hybrid. Kimchee and hockey, if you will. We were serious, but marriage was not likely. He was fascinated with blondes and redheads- and I, being blonde, was just what he was looking for. He had lived at home for longer than necessary- he was university educated with a well paying job. He moved out near the age of 30, and I started dating him when he was 32. I was 25. His parents were very wealthy and he was trying to be independent in his life. I believe that sex was his initial focus when it came to blondes. He saw us as exotic, sexy, and as different from the Korean women he was meeting. He saw sex as the primary focus of a relationship, and thought that a marriage to a Korean woman would require cheating to get the satisfaction he wanted. In the end, we were not well matched. He wanted to raise his future children traditionally, with his wife not working. I have no idea how he made peace with his western woman interest. He appeared torn by the fantasy of the Western woman and the reality of his culture. No- he was not a creepy horny guy. But he was a gorgous guy who loved blondes. He was a good boyfriend, fun to be with. Faithful. Loyal. But torn.