On April 23rd 2010, I married the love of my life…and became part of a very small minority… a Canadian woman married to a Korean man living in Korea. This is a blog about my journey from singledom to wedded wife…from independent woman to equal partner…from short term Korean resident to long term Korean family member…from unfettered singleton to a woman embracing the roles of wife and mother. This is part of my honest attempt to negotiate my coming reality with the person I am.
I hold a graduate degree in Asian religions – I’m an avid pilgrimager – I heart my husband, my cats, and my baby (‘Dragon’) born on Lunar New Year Day (January 23rd, 2012). I love my pink computer (although I don’t know how to use it), I love coffee shop meanderings, I love wrestling with culture and ideas, and I edit and teach grammar for a living but can’t be bothered when it comes to my blog. I have the heart of a pantheist but the mind of a monotheist. I am imperfect and flawed, and I love this imperfect and flawed world.
msleetobeATgmail.com
Hi there,
I just came across your blog and I am thrilled to have discovered it! I just married a Korean man and we live in Calgary, AB.
My husband has been in Canada for about 6 years and we met here in Calgary about 4 years ago. Despite the fact that he lives in Canada and is very open-minded, he is still very “Korean” in those deep, cultural ways that are hard to define…
I lived in Seoul for 3.5 years and taught there as well. Actually, I had a serious relationship with a different Korean man at that time too, and that relationship went on for many years, even after I returned to Canada to do a Master’s. Though I really wanted to stay in Korea in many ways (I consider it my second home/country), I knew deep down that I couldn’t hack it… for health reasons, stress, family, etc. My bf at that time thought he might leave Korea to live in Canada with me, which is what we both knew I wanted fairly early on. This indecision went on for many years until I finally realized I had to get on with life in Canada. This was heartbreaking but I moved on reluctantly. (I’d love to go back sometime though!)
Surprisingly, I then met my “Mr. Kim” and fell in love with a Korean man all over again. This time, though, he was five years older than me, planning to live permanently in Canada and without strong family ties. Also, with an art background, which suits me well…
He is a dear, dear man and we just married in June. 🙂
I wanted to open up a dialogue with you because I’m fascinated by your life in Korea with a Korean husband, and how you’re making that work! Kudos to you! It can’t be easy, but it must be also rewarding and exciting! I look forward to reading more about it.
I’m still teaching English and still love it. 🙂 It sounds like you love it too? I’m also very interested in Eastern religions, ideas, and feminism!
Also… I have to confess that my husband and I are struggling at the moment – communication issues, I would say, mostly, and I’d love to find out about how other western ladies deal with their Korean men… I’m also a big communicator and try to share feelings, thoughts, work things out, etc. You mentioned that that doesn’t work for you two either – I don’t think that’s working for us! I’m curious to know how you handle conflict/problems with your hubby – strategies that work – that are perhaps different from anything you expected…
I’m sorry for this deluge of info/questions. I’d love to hear back from you if you’re interested in chatting a bit.
Best,
Hi Elizabeth!
Thank you so much for sharing your story! Congrats also on your recent marriage! It’s fascinating to hear about other people’s journeys. I’m sure you understand this as well…it’s really comforting to hear of someone who is in a similar situation if only to know that as ‘weird’ as I sometimes feel here in Korea, I am by no means alone. I do also love teaching, and it is really Korea that deserves the credit for helping me to realize that this is my calling in life. Living in Korea is a constant struggle…constant for me, ever more so right now because we just got back from a long trip to Canada for our Canadian wedding/honeymoon which of course brings up lots of issues about leaving my family once again and all the ‘comforts’ that is Canada. At the same time – we have a life here – a life with good careers, more savings than we would be able to have in Canada at this point and a joyful life in general…..so there is a constant struggle between contentment and restlessness which causes problems but makes life interesting!
I have so much to say about Canadian-Korean communication…and yet I have been at a loss as to how to explain the differences and problems here. However, your message has made me realize that I need to get on that, so for now, I will say that I will answer all those questions…but I think I should do it in a post once I’ve got my thoughts in order.
Anyway, thanks for commenting and leaving your story! I hope that you’ll continue reading and leaving your comments because I think you have a really interesting perspective 🙂
Elizabeth and Msleetobe
I am also a Canadian married to a lovely Korean man. We live in Seoul now (since 2008). We have plans to move to Canada, to Calgary Alberta, but my husband is having a little bit of a hard time. He has a bachelor of arts in English Language and Literature and he is worried about what “natives” of Canada will think about him and what-how-where he can get a job in Canada. He worries about this so much that we get stressed and upset.
If we could ever talk one day or if your husband would like to talk with him.
I was wondering what your husband does in Canada, Elizabeth, and how he copes with the culture. I know my husband can adapt and enjoys Canadian culture and dislikes many things from Korean culture (like 회식 business drinking)
Thank you so much.
and good luck with the baby ^_^
Be healthy
Kathleen
I got your email, but for some bizarre reason I can’t send any emails from that account today!! It’s driving me insane. I’ve edited your post as per your request (sorry that was happening!), but if you want me to delete the entire thing, I can do so as well (I just kept the rest of it for now so that I at least had something to respond to!) Sorry again for the spam 😦
Hi Mrs. Lee,
As a Korean American man living in the US you are probably wondering “what is this guy doing reading this blog?” Well, i enjoy immensely your take on how it feels to be a “foreigner” living in Korea and how you are very gracefully weaving both your culture and the Korean culture into a beautiful life. I am also striving to do that in my life here in America and it is a struggle but your blogs give me a lift knowing that there are others who are also going through similar situations and life lessons. (sorry for run on sentences!) Anyway, hopefully you will keep this blog up. My girlfriend and I love it!
Thanks so much for reading and for your kind comment! I have a couple of Korean friends who have married people from other countries and are now living in another country, and I feel very strongly that we are living parallel lives … just in different contexts. I’m happy to hear that you find a certain comfort in this blog. It’s also very nice for me to hear that I am not alone in my struggles. I hope all of us ‘foreigners’ can be successful in negotiating our different cultural contexts 🙂
Hi Ms. Lee,
I’m the managing editor of WorknPlay Magazine, an English magazine for expats in Korea, and I’m a big fan of your blog. I was wondering if you and your husband might be interested in being interviewed in our magazine about Korean-expat marriage (nothing too personal, just whatever you and your husband are willing to share).
If you think you might be up for it, please shoot me an e-mail and I’ll send you more details.
Hope to hear from you!
Thank you for your offer Hallie, but we aren’t interested in being interviewed for other publications. I blog anonymously because I want to share my personal experiences and thoughts as they happen, but neither of us is interested in going public (and Mr. Lee feels that this is the best forum through which to share anything about our lives). I hope you find another couple more willing.
Thank you for your blog. I find it very insightful. I have recently become very interested in Korean culture, mainly because of there movies, etc. I am currently doing a Bachelors in English Literature in the Caribbean. Recently I have been considering teaching English in Korea in the future. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts on life in Korea, in particular, as a foreigner. I really love it!
Hi, I am Korean girl and reading your blog at work now. 🙂
I used to study in AUS and I could understand the cultural differences/conflicts and at the same time excitements!
Thank you for sharing your story.
Happy new year.
Thank you for reading M.J.! And Happy New Year to you too 🙂
Just want to say thank you so much for this blog….I’m originally from the US but attending university full-time in Korea (came here right out of high school to get my bachelors, so I’m also a very small minority!). I’m currently in my 2nd serious relationship with a Korean man. Even in the U.S. I have always been an avid feminist, so finding your blog was life-saving (or at least sanity-saving) as the gender discrimination and racial issues in Korea have been a huge burden on my mind lately and I felt largely alone (the Koreans in Korea tend to have limited understanding since they’ve never been in a similar situation and the other foreigners are of the ‘temporary’ mindset while I’m planning on staying here for a long time, at least).
AND I’m also a fellow vegetarian!
So thank you so much and I will continue to read your blog often!
You came here to do your Bachelors!! Wow! You are a very small minority, but a person with an interesting story to tell. What inspired you to come to Korea for your undergrad education? AND a vegetarian 🙂 I’m horrible about commenting on other people’s blogs…but I’m still going to say that I think you should contribute here when you can because as a university lecturer, I would love more insight on the life of a student here (especially an international student!)
I’m an admin of the VisitSeoul.net Facebook and Blog pages, and I know this is going to sound kind of weird, but is there any way that I could get an e-mail address to send you something? 감사합니다!
Sure – msleetobeATgmail.com
Thank you for replying to the comment I left here a couple months ago =] Sorry it took so long to reply, I went back to the states to see my family and then started University again. A lot of factors went into me coming here so I’ll just list some in no particular order: I want to do human rights work when I get older particularly with people from North Korea, I have many Korean friends in my US hometown and got interested in the place, culture, and pop culture through them, wanted to get out of my small area and experience more of the world, personal reasons surrounding family, I got a full tuition scholarship when I applied, etc.
Thank you for keeping this blog, and please post more about how you survive as a vegetarian here. I live in Gangwon-do and as I said am a university student–that combo makes it very hard to be vegetarian and healthy at the same time =[
Your future plans are very interesting.^^ I have this ideal dream that one day the North Korean government will fall, there’ll be a peaceful transition of power, North Korea will open up, Mr. Lee’s parents will be able to visit their hometowns before they die, and we’ll go to work there to help the country transition into it’s future. I seriously doubt that chain of events will ever happen, but one can only hope.
As for vegetarianism, yes, I should get on more posts about vegetarianism in general. For now, you should check out ‘Alien’s Day Outl’ (the link is on my blog roll). That girl is amazing! It’s mostly about Seoul, but she has posts on how to make your own soy milk, Korean CSAs etc. I need to have more free time to read all of her blog posts.
And I just saw this on the Korea Herald which also mentions Alien’s Day Out! I actually somehow stumbled upon the O’ngo culinary school website a while ago and was thinking about taking a course there in the summer when I have more time.
http://www.koreaherald.com/national/Detail.jsp?newsMLId=20110412000629
Hi,
I’m glad to know your blog. I know how it feels like getting married to someone from different cultural background, though you might have had better understanding in Asian culture by your education. For me, I was born in Korea and spent most of my youth here, then moved to Canada. (For now, I’m back to Korea.)
Currently I’m working in Nolruwa, a part of Center for Sharing Knowledge. Because I’ve always wanted to get to know my origin and culture, tradition etc, it is a great opportunity for me to learn about all these and get connected to other koreans/ foreigners.
Here, we provide a unique opportunity of getting Korean traditional cultural experiences for international students, tourists, and those living in Korea. We’re looking for those who’d like to join the first experience group in June, so if you’re interested in, please visit my facebook for more information. It’s free of charge for foreigners. Hope to have you join the club 🙂 Thank you!!
I came across your blog today and really enjoyed reading it. I have always enjoyed meeting, being around and learning about people from various cultures. I am currently fascinated by Korea and am addicted to Korean dramas. I have even picked up a few sayings and can understand some things when watching the dramas (I watch multiple episodes weekly). I really hope to visit one day. I also love history and Korea has such a rich history. I would love to see some of the palaces depicted in the historical dramas. My grandmother loved Japan so I guess I come by it honestly.
Please join us on https://www.facebook.com/groups/2237890148?ap=1
It’s a group for Western women married to korean men. It’s a closed group, as we value our privacy, but you would be more than welcome. Good luck to you!
Thanks,
-Janice-
P.S. I hope you don’t mind if I link your blog to our group. I know many members would have an interest:)
Hi Janice, I’m actually already a very active member! I love the group, and I’m so happy it’s been a hub of activity lately! I haven’t posted my blog on there yet because I wasn’t sure it was appropriate to be advertising my own blog, so thanks for doing it for me! I’ll ‘out’ myself on the boards later today 🙂
Hi!
I stumbled across your blog after Googling ‘Wedding Hanbok” which goes to show how linked everything is haha! I’ve only read a few posts but they’ve all been really interesting for me.
I was also an English teacher in Korea for a year back in 2008 and in retrospect, it really was all craziness & travel outside of work hours. I returned to Australia when my year was up due to family reasons and there, I met my Korean fiance who was studying at the uni I had graduated from. Now we’re both living and working in China and eventually we’ll be settling down in Korea.
Your blog has made me feel more in tune with myself because I had been in denial about all the things Korean culture and I don’t agree with. I used to keep a diary ages ago and I tried writing a blog but I always had this feeling that if my fiance read it, he’d be disappointed with me. That screams out ‘problem in your relationship’ I know. Hahaha! Luckily we’ve moved on from that and I may continue with that blog sometime soon but meanwhile, I’m thankful I have your blog to read to help prepare me for my move to Korea and beyond. Thank you! ^^
Hi Sezz! Thanks for your comment.^^ I think a lot of people struggle with how to deal with all of their emotions and experiences with Korea. I think non Koreans who live in Korea have the right to complain/feel frustrated by the problems they encounter that affect them. Of course, sometimes we are just whining, and sometimes there are also multiple perspectives that need to be understood and evaluated. For me, writing has been a good way of figuring out how to categorize and deal with everything. I hope you’ll be able to find your own voice either through writing or some other medium in order to help you readjust to life in Korea 🙂
I just found your blog recently but I have been reading steadily ever since. As I am getting married to a Korean man in 10days, it makes me happy to see a blossoming marriage with a baby on the way. When I read your posts to baby Dragon I think my inner mommy tried to break free.
I look forward to reading more of your posts, especially on raising a child in a multicultural household since Minsung and I will hopefully be doing the same in about 2 years or so^^
10 days!!! That’s fantastic. I hope you have a very enjoyable wedding and a happy life together. There are certainly challenges to being an intercultural couple, but I think all couples have challenges. Each challenge is just different in its own unique way.
oh my – and i just saw that you are about to become a stepmum too! so many amazing changes happening to you at this moment.^^
Hi!
I just found your blog and love it. Your entries are very honest. 🙂
I am currently residing in Korea and am pregnant too!! Due in Mar 2012.
Take care and God bless.
Hi Cindy! Congrats!! I hope you and your baby are happy and healthy. There’s so many people due early next year 🙂 I hope you continue to read and comment.
Hi 🙂 I just wanted to say I started reading your blog and I love it! I’ve been trying to find more blogs like yours because I’m also dating a Korean boy. I love reading about your life!
Hi there,
i was wondering where you got your Korean invitations.
Planing a wedding…please help! thank you
We got them through Baruson Card. My husband had a contact there at the time, but you could go through their website. http://www.barunsoncard.com/
Dear Mrs Lee,
I am really happy to have found your blog. From the first sentences, I realised that you have studied philology or anything related to arts (then I discovered that it was religion). Well, something similar I studied too… Philology and one of the modules was History of religion…
But we are not here to discuss what we’ve studied… So, let’s get back to being in any kind of relationship with Korean men.
First of all, I met Korean people when I became a PA to a CEO in very large Korean company in 2007. My boss was an elderly person, in his late 50s and was really nice to me. During that time I had no interest in Korean culture or even people.
Paradoxically, the interest developed later on, after leaving the company to do what I always dream to do… namely to be a teacher, working with children. Now I’m still teaching in London, UK. In the same time I started working with Korean people, I got married to an Arab man. (I am Eastern European).
Since we moved here, my husband has found it really hard to work with his Arab qualification (architect) so he had to go back to study (a master dregree from a British university)…
But until now, there is no reffereal to Korean man and being in a relationship…
Well, as every couple faces their own trials, we also encountered many difficult situations which set us apart. In these moments, of great sadness, I started watching Korean dramas… and fell in love with the ideal man – the Korean character. At the beginning there was nothing serious, just me spending nights watching k-drams while pushing my husband away.
But recently, I started nurturing the idea of leaving everything behind (a great well-paied job as a teachier with managerial responsabilities in UK, a husband who I know he loves me, my family) for the idea of finding a Korean man similar to the characters in the k-dramas. I know, stupid huh, to run after an ideal….
But this idea, is so strong, that I completely ignore my husband and my married life for something that is an hypothesis. I feel as all my feelings for my husband are gone, and hope to find someone like Lee Dong Wook…
Started researching about being in a relationship with a Korean man, getting married with one, in-laws, life in S Korea…. All these thoughts and feelings for something I did not even experience, make me feel so bad, a crazy person, imature (though I’m 28 yo)..
I don’t really know how to turn everything back to how it used to be or I don’t even know if this is what I want, but I hoped that you or your contributors would ‘slap’ my face with harsh stories so I can wake up from this daydream…
Kamsamnida
You have a husband and you are thinking of leaving him for the image of Korean men as constructed by tv shows? Work out whatever is happening in your own relationship.
You have a husband and you are thinking of leaving him for the image of Korean men as constructed by tv shows? Work out whatever is happening in your own relationship.
Hi Mrs. Lee! Quick question, I know that Mr. Lee is older than you (was it 6? 5 years?) and I’ve been reading and coming along to try to understand the importance of age and the Confucian hierarchy of Korea. I have read a comment from a woman regarding her friendship with a man, saying that he said if they were in Korea it would be difficult for them to be friends due to their age difference. What I’m curious about is, is it true that it’s harder to become friends (or more) with a person who’s is older than you? How would you go about pursing a romantic relationship in Korea with someone who is older than you?
Oh this is a great question Rei Rei! But I think I want to go into the answer in a more complex way than just a comment reply, so I’m going to write a post about this issue especially as it pertains to gender. When the baby takes a long nap, I’ll try to write the post!
Oh great, even better =)
Hi Mrs. Lee –
I randomly stumbled upon your blog and I must say that you provide a clear picture of your life experiences in Korea. Thank you for the full detail – you are very articulate and your stories are interesting. I (a Caucasian woman in Canada) recently moved into a building that consists mainly of Korean immigrants and I was curious about some of the cultural differences that I have noticed, which led me to your site. I look forward to reading your future posts.
ps: Congratulations on the new baby!
Kerri
Hi Kerri, thanks for the comment and for reading!
Great blog! I recently made a Facebook group for non-Korean women married to Korean men called “The Manura Network”. (Manura means ‘wife’ in Korean.) We are definitely in a unique situation and it’d be great to see some of you swing by the group and add to the dialogue. : )
Oh yeah, here’s the link! hehe
https://www.facebook.com/groups/359841117377206/
hi,
I am a Canadian woman, married to a Korean man. We met while I was teaching in Korea and have been married for 2 years now. I love my husband to bits and really try hard to understand his point of view, my point of view and how they can mesh together. right now we are having a bit of a communication bump (if you will), we opened a business together, in Canada, less than a year ago and life is pretty high stress. We both come from some pretty tricky upbringings and, while I am very eager to discuss my past, he keeps his burried deep down and I rarely find out what exactly happened to him when he was younger. based on our upbringings we have major issues with control and trying to communicate that can be difficult. I find myself filling in in holes based on what i have heard about “korean men” and I feel like that is totally unfair to my partner in life and love. I am looking for an outlet to discuss my feelings and support others while, at the same time, recognizing how unique and beautiful my life partner is.
peace and love
c
Hi,
I went to school with two sisters who later went to teach English in Korea. One of the sisters married a Korean man… Many years later I saw her back in town with her 3 kids… She told me about her life in Korea… At first she loved it but then after having 3 kids, after having to live with the mother-in-law in the same house, after eating Korean foods for so long, after struggling with the differences in language and culture, she began to get so homesick, she could not take it anymore and went back to the US. The last time I saw her she said her Korean husband was accepting a job working for a Korean company in NJ, she might join him there. But her face didn’t seem lightened up or happy. I haven’t seen her since and wonder about her sometimes.
Hi..I am a Korean-Canadian with a typical French Canadian in albeta…marriage with two kids…over 13years now in Canada…very hard…culturally I am waiting for my hubby’s decision all through with concern…because I am younger…yet my hubby can not understand…but do thing for himself first…made me feel neglected…hope some chances to get together and learn through talking ….maybe will help cultural mal-nutritious couple?…will be very helpful…and hopeful…
I’ve been following your blog for some time, and I’m happy to say that your posts have suddenly become more relevant and less entertainment (does that make sense – it’s supposed to be a compliment). My wife (who is Korean) recently gave birth to our first child, and thinking back over some of your posts has been a source of empathy and relief! I’ll be back more often, I promise 🙂
Aw, congrats Conor! Boy or girl? And yes, it does make sense. Childraising and especially intercultural childraising is a very kinesthetic process I think.
Hi,
Thank you for your blogs, they are very informational and inspiring. I am a Canadian woman and have be dating a Korean man for awhile. He has been living in Canada for eight years, and is a business man. I am also a business owner. But last week he “informed” me of his new plans… He wants us to both sell our business’s and move to Seoul, and get married there. His sister is already looking for studio for us to live in… This scares the heck out of me… I’m not sure if I can leave my family and “home ground”. I know he misses his family, but the differences in culture and language may be over whelming. I love him very much and he is the sweetest guy ever but,,,, Not sure, what to do.. He wants all this to take place within the next three months .. He is insistent that I will “follow him anywhere ” Any thoughts ??
Thank you
Beth
Hi Beth. When I moved to Korea, I was single and pursuing my own life. I had my own job, friends, and money in my name in Korea before I met my husband. Personally, I’m not sure that I could have followed someone, joined their circle/life here, and been happy. A good life is possible here, and I think Western women can be happy in Korea, but in my experience (and listening to others’ stories), I think that works best when the woman herself has her own social circle and goals. A few other things to consider – when would you get married? Would you be coming in to Korea as a tourist or a wife or on some other kind of visa? Things are getting better but there’s still a lot of issues with being a foreigner and getting to do things in your own name (loans, many credit cards, owning your own business, and depending on the visa, these things can be easier or impossible). So I think if you came here with personal or career goals, had both thought of how you could go about starting to persue those goals etc. you could have a happy life together if he really cares about you and your relationship is strong. I don’t think the culture and language differences have to necessarily be overwhelming, but if I had a solid buisness back home, I would think twice of a quick move to Korea – especially if I didn’t have a my own dream of a career here.
Hi Msleetobe, From what i read it appears to me that language barrier is an huge obstacle that prevents you from having “bonds”.Are you learning Korean? Do you often feel lonely though?
Fun to run across you! I’m a good (feminist) Japanese wife (in fact, I’m listed as “Shufu,” or “housewife,” on my legal documents) from Boston living in Osaka, Japan!
Hi Good Shufu! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by! I was in Boston for the first time last summer. Lovely city. I hope all is well in Osaka.