Dragon’s favourite Korean book is a simple story about a boy getting ready for bed. He brushes his teeth, splashes in the tub, gets read a bedtime story and…bows to his parents.
The Canadian in me shivers at this image, and I’m sure I’m not alone. Even with the smiling faces and cute bowing teddy, it seems like such a heartless bedtime ritual. It seems so formal and lacking in familial affection. How can insa ever exist in place of cuddles?
Of course, the question remains whether this picture is a manifestation of reality or an ideal vision of how it all should be in a Confucian society (two pages later the boy peacefully drifts off to sleep immediately after his mum reads him a story…and all parents know that bedtime is really always that easy!) But it’s safe to say that such an image would not normally be found in a modern day Canadian children’s book.
Now, after ten months of reading this book to Dragon before bed (snuggling together, sometimes with his arm wrapped around my shoulder), I still admit to feeling uncomfortable with the formality of it all. However, I’ve also experienced the exquisite sweetness of insa at daycare.
Dragon has a kind of girlfriend there – an older woman no less. And she’s taken to spontaneously greeting me at the door on occasion when I arrive and depart (already trying to get into our good graces!). And my goodness, when she folds her itty bitty hands at her waist, and bows slightly with a shy smile, my heart melts and everything within me screams CUTE. Her miniature attempt at a custom which seems far above her age cannot help but endear her to me, and with that feeling, I can see how a ritual that seems so cold in the abstract can actually be a very loving and affectionate gesture.
I’m not going to give up cuddles though. Ever.
Very interesting, I’ve never thought about this before.
It’s unusual for me, but I don’t see it as a cold gesture, simply as a sign of respect to someone you love. Well behaved children in the west show respect to their parents as well, just with different gestures, right?
I can’t think of any gestures I’ve ever done to my parents or grandparents to show respect. We just say it with words. If we say nothing, then we’re rude. However, love is always shows with hugs (and sometimes kisses) between adults and children. I think because insa doesn’t involve touching, it feels more distant–certainly less intimate than a hug. And, I agree, that part of the book would disturb me. Why not a hug and kiss goodnight? 😦
I don’t think we have as many physical gestures in Canada to show respect – eye contact might be the big Korea/Canada difference in this regard. But specifically with bedtime, we see the bedtime routine as a time when parents should make a comforting environment for the child. A Canadian book would probably have a bedtime hug and kiss, rocking the baby to sleep, and a lullaby. Bowing doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable, but bowing at bedtime instinctually makes me feel cold and distant (as I cuddle my son to sleep and sing him lullabies every night).
Yes, I noticed that Korean manners are more physically expressed (they hand things with both hands, while in my country we have to say: Here you go). But isn’t bowing a Korean version of saying “Good night”?
My parents cuddled me and sang my lullabies, but I still had to say good night at evening and good morning in the morning. It’s just like brushing your teeth before bed. Requiring your child to do it is not warm and comforting, but is for his/her own good. What do you think?
I would say that the good-night bow wouldn’t necessarily completely replace a good-night hug and kiss in most homes. The bow, if actually practiced, would serve a separate purpose than physical touching, and thus they can be used in tandem.
The point is that this is the book presents this as the ideal, and a Canadian book would not see this as the ideal. The post is about the feelings a Canadian parent feels while reading this book.
as a child when I would bow and say good night to my distant relatives, they would smile at me and reply back in a sweet tone and I would smile back. I don’t think it’s a cold gesture really…It depends on the culture you were exposed to and the country you were raised in. and kid don’t really do this to their families unless their families are strict (bed time stories are “meant” to be a little educational…). I only did the formal bow to my distant relatives. A lot of Korean kids used to co-sleep with their parents a decade ago until they went to elementary school so they still got lots of cuddles. Not sure how it is now since most Korean kids have their own rooms
Yes, of course, no gesture is iherently cold or warm which is why I said ‘the Canadian in me’ and it ‘seems’ like a heartless ritual. This post is about how the ideal is presented in the book, how this ideal is much different than the ideal one would see in a Canadian book, and the resulting disconnect I feel as a Canadian parenting in a multicultural family in Korea.